I’m just going to say it — I’ve never been hyper motivated to seek money or power, or, for that matter, to create a future that’s ideal for me. I’ve never quite gotten my head out of the past. (The one exception to that seems to be where magic is concerned, and that usually had to do with getting the props ready either by making them or getting them bought.)
I always thought that this was a question of passion, but the truth is I’m really passionate either about the past or about performance. This could be other people’s performances, special-effects, a good story, a good book, or really any kind of artistic communication.
But when it comes to my own life, I walk around in a state of resignation about my own inevitable death. I know I will never beat it, so why get excited about a future that I cannot keep?
Art is different because art is for now, so maybe I shouldn’t worry about life but instead worry about art! If ego is projecting me into the future, then maybe I need to cultivate an ego because I’ve never really had much of one outside of art.
In pedestrian life, I tend to give more credence to others than they necessarily deserve and less credence to myself because I’m just doing pedestrian life!
Last Monday and Tuesday I had a reset of sorts in the form of Extreme Vertigo. I do not recommend it, but of course it’s not a choice for people who are having it. It’s like instantly stripping away the ability to have body, or to focus on anything, or do anything, or have a past, or have the future. You certainly won’t have a future because so much is removed, even your breakfast.
The one thing, and only thing, you want is for things to be normal. You want to go about your daily routine and, yes, project yourself into the future even if that’s only one pedestrian step at a time. You would LOVE to be able to take a step, like to the bathroom for instance.
And if things don’t come around quickly, and your life seems forfeit, the Regret starts in. THAT is surely about the past and how you blew it.
So, I’m going to get on with my life and see if I can’t pin the tail on the donkey. Now is as good a time as any.